I don’t usually post my personal thoughts for this blog. They’re usually saved for my journal but, I really feel the need to talk about images like this. When I was at the height of my eating disorder, just before I went into treatment, I used to collect images like this. Giving myself every reason to just keep going. To lose that last five pounds. To spend that extra hour at the gym. My weight loss would give me self worth. Self esteem. All the things I worried about, all my insecurities from when I was heavier would suddenly vanish. In reality, the more I lost weight, the more flaws I saw. Anorexia and Bulimia aren’t what people usually say when they’re trying to explain it. You know you aren’t obese but, theres always more thigh jiggle than you want. You’re stomach isn’t as flat as you want it to be. You worry more about who’s looking at you and seeing these perceived flaws too than ever before. Since treatment, Although I don’t have an exact number, I know I have gained about 10 or 15 lbs from what I thought was a weight that was just on the cusp of perfection. I can honestly say now that through yoga, therapy, and amazingly supportive friends, I have never loved my body more. Is that to say my body image has consisted of rainbows and sunshine since treatment? Absolutely not. But everyday I work through those insecurities by thanking everything my beautiful body is able to do, and everything it has given me. I accept my flaws, I embrace them, where others may not find beauty and perfection, I send extra love. One of my favorite instructors Juliana always says that asana or the physical form of yoga is only one aspect, if you don’t have breathing, kind thoughts, and a nourishing diet it means nothing. Tap into those kind thoughts and bring them to yourself, breathe so you can slow down to accept them, and eat to heal and embrace your body. It doesn’t matter if someone is looking but only if you’re open enough to look back and take a lesson from that person. Don’t shape your life as a reaction to someone’s perception of you but rather be what you perceive for yourself. Light, love, and happiness you all always.
I am obsessed